I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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