i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
