Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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