I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
