They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
