i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
