So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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