at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
