I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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