mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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