so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
