Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
