So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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