He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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