You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
