She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
