i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
