Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
