No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
