My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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