The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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