Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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