the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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