Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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