So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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