morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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