Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
