Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
