I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
