Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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