Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
A bitchslap is in order.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
