im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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