sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
