Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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