i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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