You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
