I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
