I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
wanna go halves on a baby?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
