i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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