And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
