Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
