fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
