remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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