If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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