I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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