There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
