I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
