you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
