Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
