Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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