Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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