The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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