If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
