It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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